Friday, June 04, 2004

The Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Hero. Hilarious superhero/sci-fi/fantasy cliche busting. Examples:

8. If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphosize into something else, I will immediately start whacking away at it, instead of watching in fascination.

25. I will never travel back into the past in order to prevent the current situation. It never works.

28. Anything that appears to have been too easy--escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.--probably was too easy.

39. I will never say "This one is mine!" and engage in a one-on-one struggle with the Evil Overlord or any of his henchmen; however, I might say "This one is mine!" and stand back while, by prior arrangement with my comrades, all available firepower is pumped into the now-distracted target.

46. After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not suddenly take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part.

53. If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built in to it. I can use it to surprise Bad Guys and open canned goods.

68. I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles.

77. I will wear a utility belt. Not everything I need will be kept there, but I will pretend that I am helpless without it in order to fool the Evil Overlord.

97. Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, will only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.

102. If an opponent does not die when his/her/its head is cut off, but instead starts groping for it, I will give the head a good kick to delay reattachment.

Also, check out The Normal Innocent Bystander's Survival Guide:

2. If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money; don't go. Not even if he's playing Prince's music. Especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one.

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